I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
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