He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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