Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
