Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
The Olympian is in my bed
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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