Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
