Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We have started to decorate penises.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
