No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
