listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
