I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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