i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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