Pappa wants mamma naked
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
