Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
