At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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