Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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