Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
