Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
