"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
