so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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