There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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