I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
