fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
