We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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