yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
