My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
