Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
