I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
