I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
