I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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