My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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