this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
