i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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