she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
