when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
