i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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