Apparently you make a good broom.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
