I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
