i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
