How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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