I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I will die if light touches me.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
