tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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