i need an iv and a liver transplant
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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