Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
