I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
