my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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