I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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