how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
