if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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