You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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