I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
