I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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