i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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