What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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