My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
