Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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