I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
