god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
