So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
