tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize