if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
