I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
