I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
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