I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
